Real Man's Olympics

Final Standings — 2008 Summer Games (default ratings)

1st: United States 97.81
2nd: Communist China 97.56
3rd: Italy 81.29

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Medal Counts Fundamentally Flawed

In 1982, Bruce Feirstein's classic Real Men Don't Eat Quiche blew away the medal count theory by observing that Bruce Jenner's accomplishment, winning the Decathlon, was far more impressive than the feats of Mark Spitz, who won several gold medals in swimming. Real Men don't shave their legs.

Medal counts simply don't work. The medal for prancing around a floor mat is not equal to the medal for super heavyweight boxing. The medal for jumping into water while making the smallest splash is not equal to the medal for throwing a 16-pound ball farther than anyone else. And did you know there are 20 different events for paddling across a pond, while there's only one Decathlon?

Real Man's Olympics determines the winning country the only way possible: by basing a country's score on the manliness of each event won. Judged events get marked down. Redundant events get marked down. Events requiring men to wear nothing but skin-tight underwear (this means you, cycling and swimming) get marked down.

You can change the manliness scores for the events and see how those changes affect the outcome.

More site information, including details about the scoring formula, is available below.

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Results

2000 Summer Games

Sydney, Australia

2004 Summer Games

Athens, Greece

2008 Summer Games

Peking, China

2000 Summer Games — Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

1st: Russia 165.66
2nd: United States 106.28
3rd: Great Britain 81.07
4th: Estonia 56.67
5th: Hungary 56.33
6th: Korea, South 52.03
7th: Kenya 41.51
8th: Czech Republic 37.44
9th: Finland 37.44
10th: Iran 37.44


EventProsConsRating (out of 10)Winner
Archery — Individual Archery Aim at something and shoot it. This is a contest of strength as well as aim.
Russia
Archery — Team Archery Same as above. Team sport, plus we already have a real archery medal.
Korea, South
Athletics — 109 yards "World's Fastest Man" title on the line.
United States
Athletics — 120 yard Hurdles Okay, there could be hurdles between you and your destination. If you're going to have obstacles, go all the way with the Steeplechase.
Cuba
Athletics — 219 yards Event pollution between the 109 yards and the marathon.
Greece
Athletics — 437 yards More event pollution.
United States
Athletics — 437 yard Hurdles Still not the steeplechase.
United States
Athletics — 875 yards More event pollution.
Germany
Athletics — 1640 yards More event pollution.
Kenya
Athletics — 3281 yard Steeplechase As good a simulation as we have of getting from Point A to Point B.
Kenya
Athletics — 5468 yards More event pollution.
Ethiopia
Athletics — 10936 yards More event pollution.
Ethiopia
Athletics — 4x109 yards The country with the top 4 fastest men. Team sport.
United States
Athletics — 4x437 yards Seems redundant.
United States
Athletics — Decathlon This guy can do it all. He is the World's Greatest Athlete. None.
Estonia
Athletics — Marathon Fastest man over distance.
Ethiopia
Athletics — 12.43 mile Walk Well, it is purely speed-based... ...But why is this even here? We don't have one-legged races. Or races where people run backwards. Why have any restrictions on how you get there? Especially one that leads to such a fruity gait.
Poland
Athletics — 31.1 mile Walk See above. See above.
Poland
Athletics — Long Jump A nice, simple question: who can jump the farthest?
Cuba
Athletics — Triple Jump Perversion of the long jump with a bunch of silly rules.
Great Britain
Athletics — High Jump Who can jump the highest?
Russia
Athletics — Pole Vault Who can jump the highest... ...with a pole, for some reason.
United States
Athletics — Shot Put See that 16 pound ball? Throw it as far as you can!
Finland
Athletics — Discus Another distance throw. We already have the shotput. Plus this only weighs 4 pounds, 7 ounces.
Lithuania
Athletics — Javelin Wikipedia describes this as "a polearm used as a hand-hurled missile weapon".
Czech Republic
Athletics — Hammer Basically a shotput at the end of a 4-foot pole. Same as the shotput, plus some mechanical advantage. Normally that would cost points, but think how much clobbering could be done with this thing! (And in Scotland, men do this in kilts. Yeah.)
Poland
Badminton — Singles One-on-one, mano-a-mano contest. It's badminton.
Communist China
Badminton — Doubles Well you still have to beat somebody. It's badminton AND it's one of those "team" things.
Korea, South
Baseball — Baseball A chance to see some kids who could be in The Show at some point. The real men aren't playing. They're busy playing where it counts.
Korea, South
Basketball — Basketball One team against one other team. Again, there's a big sports league that plays this for real. Plus, there's women's basketball at the Olympics. Point loss there.
United States
Boxing — Light Flyweight Pounding the tar out of your opponent! Yes! But this is like an award for the prettiest girl at an ugly contest. We don't care for arbitrary restrictions, so we only care about the unlimited weight class.
France
Boxing — Flyweight See above. See above.
Thailand
Boxing — Bantamweight See above. See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Featherweight See above. See above.
Kazakhstan
Boxing — Lightweight See above. See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Light Welterweight See above. See above.
Uzbekistan
Boxing — Welterweight See above. See above.
Russia
Boxing — Light Middleweight See above. See above.
Kazakhstan
Boxing — Middleweight See above. See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Light Heavyweight See above. See above.
Russia
Boxing — Heavyweight See above. See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Super Heavyweight This is the only real boxing event. This guy could take anybody at the Games. None at all.
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 547 yards A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony. Splitting points with kayaking, because we don't need both.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards Splitting points with kayaking.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards "Oh, I need some help paddling my canoe..." Splitting points with kayaking.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards Splitting points with kayaking.
Romania
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 547 yards A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony. Splitting points with canoeing, because we don't need both.
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards "Oh, I need some help paddling my kayak..." Splitting points with canoeing.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Italy
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Four-Man 1094 yards More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing One-Man Slalom Like the previous event, but with steering. Steering is overrated. Also splitting with kayaking.
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Two-Man Slalom
Slovakia
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking One-Man Slalom
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Single Sculls Singles. The guys here have TWO oars instead of one. Obviously worthy of another round of medals for everybody. Oh wait, it isn't.
New Zealand
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Pair See above.
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Double Sculls See above.
Slovenia
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Double Sculls "Lightweight"? You're joking.
Poland
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Four Are we there yet? There appear to be 20 different ways to paddle across a pond. There aren't 20 different ways that anybody cares about...
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Quadruple Sculls See above.
Italy
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Eight There's something to be said for putting together the fastest thing on the water. There are women's versions of all these, you know. These guys are lucky to be getting all these points.
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Coxless Four Lightweight. And they expect points.
France
Cycling — Road Race Uses local terrain. No stupid track games: everybody starts at the same spot, and the winner is the first to finish. Shared by all cycling events: Stupid hats. Spandex. Contributes to "Lance Armstrong Syndrome", which causes sufferers to dress this way and parade around town.
Australia
Cycling — Road Time Trial One-at-a-time race against the clock. Seems unnecessarily boring, doesn't it?
Russia
Cycling — Track Individual Pursuit One of those track gimmicks, where you can't tell who's ahead. No reason for this event.
Germany
Cycling — Track Team Pursuit Same as above, but with a team! I honestly don't understand why cycling is a team sport at all.
Germany
Cycling — Track Individual Sprint If there's a sprint, ++points.
United States
Cycling — Track Team Sprint Except: Help! The AIR is slowing me down! I'm going to get right up behind you, hold still...
Germany
Cycling — Track 0.62 mile Time Trial boooorrinng. And what an arbitrary distance.
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Points Race VERY complicated scoring. Scoring? It's a RACE.
Spain
Cycling — Track Keirin There's a sprint at the end. There's a pacer in this one. Go fast, but not too fast. hmm.
France
Cycling — Track Madison This team event makes sense, at least: two teammates swap off as they get tired. Tired? How about we just wait until all the cyclists collapse, and then see who got the farthest.
Australia
Cycling — Mountain Cross Country Real-world usefulness. Not a duplicate of previous events. Nice! Still exacerbates Lance Armstrong Syndrome.
France
Diving — 3.3 yard Springboard None. Gracefulness in men's athletics should be a side-effect of getting something done. It certainly shouldn't exist for its own sake.
Communist China
Diving — 10.9 yard Platform None.
Communist China
Diving — Synchronized 3.3 yard Springboard None. Men's... synchronized... diving. I had to rewrite the code here to allow for negative scores.
Communist China
Diving — Synchronized 10.9 yard Platform None.
Russia
Fencing — Epee Individual It's swordfighting. Cool. Epee is based on dueling where the first to draw blood wins. First blood was developed to avoid killing the other guy.
Russia
Fencing — Epee Team Team... Well, think of it like the Three Musketeers, or something.
Italy
Fencing — Foil Individual Based on the sidearm of the 18th-century gentleman. Complicated rules about hitting with "right of way" and "priority".
Korea, South
Fencing — Foil Team Team again.
France
Fencing — Sabre Individual Unlike the others, can score with a swipe of the weapon. "Right of way" etc.
Romania
Fencing — Sabre Team Team again.
Korea, South
Field Hockey — Field Hockey You don't have ice in the summer, so I guess this is the best that can be done. It's a girls' game.
Netherlands
Gymnastics — Floor Exercise Is this the one with music? And props? And a lot of prancing and dancing around a big mat? Pass.
Latvia
Gymnastics — High Bar These guys get some impressive speed and height above the ground when they flip around this 9-foot-high bar. Judging. Judging in itself has some serious problems. And if an event requires judging to declare a winner, then is it really a sport? Or has it become "art"?
Russia
Gymnastics — Parallel Bars Impressive strength required to do this. See above.
Communist China
Gymnastics — Pommel Horse Requires more technique, and less strength, than parallel bars or rings.
Romania
Gymnastics — Rings You've got to be Much Man to hold an Iron Cross or similar for any length of time.
Hungary
Gymnastics — Vault The girls also do this one.
Spain
Gymnastics — Artistic Team A little of each of the other Pros. A little of each of the other Cons, plus "Team".
Communist China
Gymnastics — Trampoline "Girls Jumping on Trampolines" is good... ...but unfortunately this is its opposite.
Russia
Gymnastics — Artistic All-Around A little of each of the other Pros. A little of each of the other Cons.
Russia
Handball — Handball Better than soccer because you can use your hands. There's a women's version. And it's like soccer.
Russia
Judo — <= 132 pounds Two guys in combat, so you've got a pretty good start there. Again, we only care about the unlimited weight category.
Japan
Judo — <= 146 pounds See above.
Netherlands
Judo — <= 161 pounds See above.
Italy
Judo — <= 179 pounds See above.
Japan
Judo — <= 198 pounds See above.
Netherlands
Judo — <= 220 pounds See above.
Communist China
Judo — > 220 pounds It's a "fight" until one guy surrenders. It translates to "gentle way". It's based on grappling. Along with the other Far Eastern "fighting" methods, comes packaged with a lot of nutty philosophy.
France
Modern Pentathlon — Modern Pentathlon Epee, pistol, and (kind of) cross-country. Swimming and show jumping. Swimming means these guys are leg-shavers. And doing something for "show" in an athletic event? This isn't gymnastics...
Russia
Ping Pong — Singles Ping-pong is a great game. It requires lightning-quick reflexes, and it's a blast to play. (Okay, maybe I'm biased towards ping-pong, but it's my site.) But where does it fall on this scale, compared to the decathlon, or archery, or shotput.
Communist China
Ping Pong — Doubles See above. See above, plus it's a team.
Communist China
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Pistol Marksmanship. One of the few Olympic skills that would still be useful in modern combat. An air pistol? At 10 yards? The women do this one.
France
Shooting — 27.3 yard Rapid Fire Pistol Rapid fire. Yeah baby. No women's equivalent.
Russia
Shooting — 54.7 yard Pistol The purest precision shooting event.
Bulgaria
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Rifle An airgun. At 10 yards. And the girls do this one.
Communist China
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Prone You may need to hide and shoot at the same time! If you have Three Positions, you don't really need this one.
Sweden
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Three Positions Prone. Standing. Kneeling. This guy can shoot you any way he likes.
Slovenia
Shooting — Trap They don't use real birds. And why Trap when you can Double Trap? And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
Australia
Shooting — Double Trap They don't use real birds. And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
Great Britain
Shooting — 10.9 yard Running Target The guy you're trying to shoot may not be holding still. These athletes are prepared for that. Plus, the girls don't do this one. An airgun. At 10 yards.
Communist China
Shooting — Skeet See above. A woman won the last mixed skeet competition...
Ukraine
Soccer — Soccer A bunch of guys lightly jogging around. No particular skill involved, except pretending to be hurt. And they're not allowed to use their hands because... Socialists like arbitrary rules? I really don't know.
Cameroon
Swimming — 54.7 yard Freestyle World's Fastest Swimmer. Not as great as World's Fastest Man, but it's something. Body shaving. Fruity swimsuits.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Freestyle We don't need anything but the 54.7-yard and the marathon. Plus these guys are shavers.
Netherlands
Swimming — 219 yard Freestyle See above.
Netherlands
Swimming — 437 yard Freestyle See above.
Australia
Swimming — 1640 yard Freestyle See above.
Australia
Swimming — 109 yard Backstroke Why do we care what stroke they use? All that matters is who's fastest, right? We don't have footraces where you have to do a jumping jack between each step, or do pirouettes or anything. That would be stupid.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Backstroke See above.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Butterfly See above.
Sweden
Swimming — 219 yard Butterfly See above.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Breaststroke See above.
Italy
Swimming — 219 yard Breaststroke See above.
Italy
Swimming — 219 yard Medley See above.
Italy
Swimming — 437 yard Medley See above.
United States
Swimming — 4x109 yard Freestyle The country with the top 4 fastest swimmers. Team. And all 4 are shavers.
Australia
Swimming — 4x219 yard Freestyle More event pollution.
Australia
Swimming — 4x109 yard Medley Again, just because a swimmer is fast using an inefficient stroke does not make him a fast swimmer.
United States
Tae Kwon Do — <= 128 pounds Lightweights...
Greece
Tae Kwon Do — <= 150 pounds See above.
United States
Tae Kwon Do — <= 176 pounds See above.
Cuba
Tae Kwon Do — > 176 pounds It's two guys in combat. Like the other Far East "fighting" styles, requires swallowing a lot of philosophical garbage about "peace", meditation, "tenets" of Taekwondo, and a lot of other BS.
Korea, South
Tennis — Singles Like ping-pong, but you're standing on the table. Requires precision, strength, speed, agility, and brains. One-on-one competition. The girls play it too.
Russia
Tennis — Doubles See above. Team.
Canada
Triathlon — Triathlon Running. Definitely an endurance test. Swimming (shaving), cycling (Spandex).
Canada
Volleyball — Normal This is a girls' game.
Yugoslavia
Volleyball — Beach This one is definitely better when played by the ladies. Why is this on the men's side?
United States
Water Polo — Water Polo Looks like a fun way to pass some time in the pool. Serious competition? I just don't see it. (There's probably body-shaving, too.)
Hungary
Weightlifting — <= 123 pounds A good old-fashioned test of strength. A lightweight weightlifter is completely uninteresting.
Turkey
Weightlifting — <= 137 pounds See above.
Croatia
Weightlifting — <= 152 pounds See above.
Bulgaria
Weightlifting — <= 170 pounds See above.
Communist China
Weightlifting — <= 187 pounds See above.
Greece
Weightlifting — <= 207 pounds See above.
Greece
Weightlifting — <= 231 pounds See above.
Iran
Weightlifting — > 231 pounds No judging, no "performance". Just strength, straight up.
Iran
Wrestling — Freestyle: Flyweight See above.
Azerbaijan
Wrestling — Freestyle: Bantamweight It's not the WWF, but it could still be entertaining. Lightweights.
Iran
Wrestling — Freestyle: Featherweight See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Lightweight See above.
Canada
Wrestling — Freestyle: Welterweight See above.
United States
Wrestling — Freestyle: Middleweight See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Heavyweight See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Super heavyweight It's like a fight. But you can't punch the guy. And you have to wear some kind of weird skin-tight one-piece suit.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Flyweight See above.
Korea, South
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Bantamweight Lightweights.
Bulgaria
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Featherweight See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Lightweight See above.
Cuba
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Welterweight See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Middleweight See above.
Turkey
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Heavyweight See above.
Sweden
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Super heavyweight It's like freestyle. It's like freestyle, except with rules restricting the style. Why do we care how a guy is pinned?
United States

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Site Dedication

Scoring Formula

The scoring is exponential with base 1.5. An event rated at 10 counts half again as much as an event rated at 9. Where y is the effective score and x is the event's rating:

y = x/abs(x) times 1.5^(abs(x)) - 1

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