Archery — Individual Archery
Aim at something and shoot it. This is a contest of strength as well as aim.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ukraine
Archery — Team Archery
Same as above.
Team sport, plus we already have a real archery medal.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Korea, South
Athletics — 109 yards
"World's Fastest Man" title on the line.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Jamaica
Athletics — 120 yard Hurdles
Okay, there could be hurdles between you and your destination.
If you're going to have obstacles, go all the way with the Steeplechase.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Cuba
Athletics — 219 yards
Event pollution between the 109 yards and the marathon.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Jamaica
Athletics — 437 yards
More event pollution.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
United States
Athletics — 437 yard Hurdles
Still not the steeplechase.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
United States
Athletics — 875 yards
More event pollution.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Kenya
Athletics — 1640 yards
More event pollution.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Bahrain
Athletics — 3281 yard Steeplechase
As good a simulation as we have of getting from Point A to Point B.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Kenya
Athletics — 5468 yards
More event pollution.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ethiopia
Athletics — 10936 yards
More event pollution.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ethiopia
Athletics — 4x109 yards
The country with the top 4 fastest men.
Team sport.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Jamaica
Athletics — 4x437 yards
Seems redundant.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
United States
Athletics — Decathlon
This guy can do it all. He is the World's Greatest Athlete.
None.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
United States
Athletics — Marathon
Fastest man over distance.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Kenya
Athletics — 12.43 mile Walk
Well, it is purely speed-based...
...But why is this even here? We don't have one-legged races. Or races where people run backwards. Why have any restrictions on how you get there? Especially one that leads to such a fruity gait.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Athletics — 31.1 mile Walk
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Italy
Athletics — Long Jump
A nice, simple question: who can jump the farthest?
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Panama
Athletics — Triple Jump
Perversion of the long jump with a bunch of silly rules.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Portugal
Athletics — High Jump
Who can jump the highest?
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Athletics — Pole Vault
Who can jump the highest...
...with a pole, for some reason.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Australia
Athletics — Shot Put
See that 16 pound ball? Throw it as far as you can!
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Poland
Athletics — Discus
Another distance throw.
We already have the shotput. Plus this only weighs 4 pounds, 7 ounces.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Estonia
Athletics — Javelin
Wikipedia describes this as "a polearm used as a hand-hurled missile weapon".
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Norway
Athletics — Hammer
Basically a shotput at the end of a 4-foot pole.
Same as the shotput, plus some mechanical advantage. Normally that would cost points, but think how much clobbering could be done with this thing! (And in Scotland, men do this in kilts. Yeah.)
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Slovenia
Badminton — Singles
One-on-one, mano-a-mano contest.
It's badminton.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Badminton — Doubles
Well you still have to beat somebody.
It's badminton AND it's one of those "team" things.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Indonesia
Baseball — Baseball
A chance to see some kids who could be in The Show at some point.
The real men aren't playing. They're busy playing where it counts.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Korea, South
Basketball — Basketball
One team against one other team.
Again, there's a big sports league that plays this for real. Plus, there's women's basketball at the Olympics. Point loss there.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
United States
Boxing — Light Flyweight
Pounding the tar out of your opponent! Yes!
But this is like an award for the prettiest girl at an ugly contest. We don't care for arbitrary restrictions, so we only care about the unlimited weight class.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Boxing — Flyweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Thailand
Boxing — Bantamweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Mongolia
Boxing — Featherweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ukraine
Boxing — Lightweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Boxing — Light Welterweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Dominican Republic
Boxing — Welterweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Kazakhstan
Boxing — Middleweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Boxing — Light Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Boxing — Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Boxing — Super Heavyweight
This is the only real boxing event. This guy could take anybody at the Games.
None at all.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Italy
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 547 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with kayaking, because we don't need both.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
Splitting points with kayaking.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my canoe..." Splitting points with kayaking.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
Splitting points with kayaking.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Belarus
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 547 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with canoeing, because we don't need both.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Australia
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my kayak..." Splitting points with canoeing.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Spain
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Four-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Belarus
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing One-Man Slalom
Like the previous event, but with steering.
Steering is overrated. Also splitting with kayaking.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Slovakia
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Two-Man Slalom
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Slovakia
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking One-Man Slalom
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Single Sculls
Singles.
The guys here have TWO oars instead of one. Obviously worthy of another round of medals for everybody. Oh wait, it isn't.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Pair
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Australia
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Double Sculls
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Australia
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Double Sculls
"Lightweight"? You're joking.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Four
Are we there yet? There appear to be 20 different ways to paddle across a pond. There aren't 20 different ways that anybody cares about...
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Quadruple Sculls
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Poland
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Eight
There's something to be said for putting together the fastest thing on the water.
There are women's versions of all these, you know. These guys are lucky to be getting all these points.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Canada
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Coxless Four
Lightweight. And they expect points.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Denmark
Cycling — BMX
Man-powered Excite Bike in real life! Risk of big wipeouts.
The course is a bit contrived.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Latvia
Cycling — Road Race
Uses local terrain. No stupid track games: everybody starts at the same spot, and the winner is the first to finish.
Shared by all cycling events: Stupid hats. Spandex. Contributes to "Lance Armstrong Syndrome", which causes sufferers to dress this way and parade around town.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Spain
Cycling — Road Time Trial
One-at-a-time race against the clock. Seems unnecessarily boring, doesn't it?
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Switzerland
Cycling — Track Individual Pursuit
One of those track gimmicks, where you can't tell who's ahead. No reason for this event.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Team Pursuit
Same as above, but with a team! I honestly don't understand why cycling is a team sport at all.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Individual Sprint
If there's a sprint, ++points.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Team Sprint
Except:
Help! The AIR is slowing me down! I'm going to get right up behind you, hold still...
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Points Race
VERY complicated scoring. Scoring? It's a RACE.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Spain
Cycling — Track Keirin
There's a sprint at the end.
There's a pacer in this one. Go fast, but not too fast. hmm.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Madison
This team event makes sense, at least: two teammates swap off as they get tired.
Tired? How about we just wait until all the cyclists collapse, and then see who got the farthest.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Argentina
Cycling — Mountain Cross Country
Real-world usefulness. Not a duplicate of previous events. Nice!
Still exacerbates Lance Armstrong Syndrome.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
France
Diving — 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Gracefulness in men's athletics should be a side-effect of getting something done. It certainly shouldn't exist for its own sake.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Diving — 10.9 yard Platform
None.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Australia
Diving — Synchronized 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Men's... synchronized... diving. I had to rewrite the code here to allow for negative scores.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Diving — Synchronized 10.9 yard Platform
None.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Fencing — Epee Individual
It's swordfighting. Cool. Epee is based on dueling where the first to draw blood wins.
First blood was developed to avoid killing the other guy.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Italy
Fencing — Epee Team
Team... Well, think of it like the Three Musketeers, or something.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
France
Fencing — Foil Individual
Based on the sidearm of the 18th-century gentleman.
Complicated rules about hitting with "right of way" and "priority".
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Germany
Fencing — Sabre Individual
Unlike the others, can score with a swipe of the weapon.
"Right of way" etc.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Fencing — Sabre Team
Team again.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
France
Field Hockey — Field Hockey
You don't have ice in the summer, so I guess this is the best that can be done.
It's a girls' game.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Germany
Gymnastics — Floor Exercise
Is this the one with music? And props? And a lot of prancing and dancing around a big mat? Pass.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — High Bar
These guys get some impressive speed and height above the ground when they flip around this 9-foot-high bar.
Judging. Judging in itself has some serious problems. And if an event requires judging to declare a winner, then is it really a sport? Or has it become "art"?
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Parallel Bars
Impressive strength required to do this.
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Pommel Horse
Requires more technique, and less strength, than parallel bars or rings.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Rings
You've got to be Much Man to hold an Iron Cross or similar for any length of time.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Vault
The girls also do this one.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Poland
Gymnastics — Artistic Team
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons, plus "Team".
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Trampoline
"Girls Jumping on Trampolines" is good...
...but unfortunately this is its opposite.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Gymnastics — Artistic All-Around
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Handball — Handball
Better than soccer because you can use your hands.
There's a women's version. And it's like soccer.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
France
Judo — <= 132 pounds
Two guys in combat, so you've got a pretty good start there.
Again, we only care about the unlimited weight category.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Korea, South
Judo — <= 146 pounds
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Japan
Judo — <= 161 pounds
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Azerbaijan
Judo — <= 179 pounds
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Germany
Judo — <= 198 pounds
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Georgia
Judo — <= 220 pounds
See above.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Mongolia
Judo — > 220 pounds
It's a "fight" until one guy surrenders.
It translates to "gentle way". It's based on grappling. Along with the other Far Eastern "fighting" methods, comes packaged with a lot of nutty philosophy.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Japan
Modern Pentathlon — Modern Pentathlon
Epee, pistol, and (kind of) cross-country.
Swimming and show jumping. Swimming means these guys are leg-shavers. And doing something for "show" in an athletic event? This isn't gymnastics...
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Russia
Ping Pong — Singles
Ping-pong is a great game. It requires lightning-quick reflexes, and it's a blast to play. (Okay, maybe I'm biased towards ping-pong, but it's my site.)
But where does it fall on this scale, compared to the decathlon, or archery, or shotput.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Ping Pong — Doubles
See above.
See above, plus it's a team.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Pistol
Marksmanship. One of the few Olympic skills that would still be useful in modern combat.
An air pistol? At 10 yards? The women do this one.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Communist China
Shooting — 27.3 yard Rapid Fire Pistol
Rapid fire. Yeah baby. No women's equivalent.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ukraine
Shooting — 54.7 yard Pistol
The purest precision shooting event.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Korea, South
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Rifle
An airgun. At 10 yards. And the girls do this one.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
India
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Prone
You may need to hide and shoot at the same time!
If you have Three Positions, you don't really need this one.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Ukraine
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Three Positions
Prone. Standing. Kneeling. This guy can shoot you any way he likes.
-5
0
1
2
3
4
5 
United States
Communist China
Italy
Germany
Ukraine
Kenya
Jamaica
Korea, South
Norway
Russia
